Ciceronian Humor, Part II

More excerpts from Plutarch's life of Cicero, in Fall of the Roman Republic: Six Lives by Plutarch, tr. Rex Warner (Penguin, 1958)  :

Then at the time when Caesar had a decree passed for distributing the land in Campania among his soldiers, many of the senators were strongly opposed to it and Lucius Gellius, who was about the oldest of them, declared that so long as he lived it should never be done.  'Let us wait, then,' said Cicero, 'since Gellius does not ask us to postpone things for long.'

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Then there was a young man who was suspected of having given a poisoned cake to his father.  This young man put on a very bold air and said that he proposed to give Cicero a bit of his mind.  'I would much prefer it,' said Cicero, 'to a bit of your cake.'

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Then there was Marcus Appius who opened his speech in a lawsuit by saying that his friend had begged him to show care, eloquence, and integrity.  'And how can you be so hard-hearted,' said Cicero, 'as not to exhibit a single one of those qualities which your friend demanded of you?'

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Once too he met Voconius in the company of his three daughters who were extremely ugly and he quoted the verse:
                             'Apollo never meant him to beget.'

Ciceronian Humor, Part I

Excerpts from Plutarch's life of Cicero, in Fall of the Roman Republic: Six Lives by Plutarch, tr. Rex Warner (Penguin, 1958)

This kind of thing was characteristic of his love for praise, as was the fact that his ability to put things cleverly would often lead him to forget good manners.  For instance, he once defended Munatius in court, and Munatius was no sooner acquitted than he prosecuted Sabinus, a friend of Cicero's.  It is said that Cicero was so infuriated at this that he exclaimed: 'Did you imagine, Munatius, that you were acquitted on your merits?  Let me tell you that it was I who produced the necessary darkness in the court to prevent your guilt from being visible to everyone.'
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Then he once made a public speech from the rostra in praise of Marcus Crassus and got much applause for it.  A day or two later he made another speech attacking him violently, and Crassus said: 'Were you not standing there yourself and praising me only a few days ago?'  To which Cicero replied: 'Yes, I was.  It is good practice in oratory to make a speech on a bad subject.'  On another occasion Crassus first said that no Crassus had ever lived in Rome to be older than the age of sixty, and then attempted to deny it.  'What can I have been thinking of,' he exclaimed, 'to have said that?'  'You knew,' said Cicero, 'that the Romans would be pleased to hear it and you were trying to make yourself popular.'  And when Crassus expressed approval of the Stoic doctrine 'The good man is always rich', Cicero said: 'Are you sure that you don't mean their doctrine "All things belong to the wise"?' -- Crassus having the reputation of being much too fond of money...
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So much for the way in which he behaved towards Crassus.  Vatinius himself had swellings on his neck and once, when he was speaking in the courts, Cicero referred to him as a 'tumid' orator.  On another occasion Cicero was informed that Vatinius was dead and then shortly afterward learned for certain that he was alive.  'Bad luck to the man,' said Cicero, 'who told the lie.'